Don't Break Me
by Dumbest Genius I Know
Summary: You roll over, the haze of sleep still clouds your mind but you feel the warmth of her hand in yours, you know she is beside you, you know her curls are tumbling across your pillow, you know the rise and fall of her chest matches your own, you know you are whole.
1. Chapter 1

You roll over, the haze of sleep still clouds your mind but you feel the warmth of her hand in yours, you know she is beside you, you know her curls are tumbling across your pillow, you know the rise and fall of her chest matches your own, you know you are whole. As the high pitched beeping of your alarm clock pierces your ears you reach for her, you want to slip your arms around her waist and hold on. But the warmth of sleep fades and you reach and she is nowhere and just like every other morning you are alone. Your eyes flutter open and a cold rock settles in the pit of your stomach and just like every other morning you whisper to an empty pillow, "I love you."

You pour the coffee, taking out one mug, you want to take out two but she's not here. You shower, and when you close your eyes she's on the other side of the glass, but when you open them it's your reflection that you see, not hers, never hers. You watch the soap suds disappear down the drain, and you think how easily you could slip down there too. Instead you wrench the faucet around and cold water is pouring over you, and goose bumps appear on your skin and your teeth begin to chatter but you practice saying it, over and over again, _I love you, I love you, I love you._

You walk into work and the sound of your heels on the pavement matches the thud of your heart. You look around, you should have seen her, or heard her, or heard _from_ her by now but you haven't. A tiny whisper of fear uncoils itself in the back of your mind, _she's found someone better, she's gone, _but then the door behind you clicks and you know.

"Maura."

It slides off her tongue so easily, so familiarly. A small shiver of warmth slides down your back and you wonder how you went the last 10 hours without hearing her voice. Rougher than sandpaper, but as smooth as honey it envelopes you, and you're dreaming and you don't want to wake up. You turn around and she's there and she's smiling _and you love her._ But you don't say it, no you never say it.

You ask her how her morning has been and her brow knits, "Couldn't get a damn coffee." You think of the empty mug sitting alone in your cupboard and wordlessly you hold yours out to her. She shakes her head, "Come on Maur, I can't take your coffee," and you tell her she can but what you don't say is that you'd give her the world if you could. She smiles and you're reminded of the way the stars light up the night sky. Your heart breaks because she's not smiling for you, she's smiling at you. You smile for her, you breath for her, you live and it's all for her.

Your coffee in hand she walks with you to the elevators. She's detached, you can tell she's not really paying attention, you could say it now and she probably wouldn't even hear, maybe you should, but you don't. You never do. You're just about to go your separate ways, like you do every morning, when her head snaps up. Your heart pounds in your ears because for a second you're afraid that you have said it, that you told her you love her and now she's disgusted and she'll never want to see you again. Deep down though you know you haven't said it, you never do.

"Jane, what's the matter?" you detect a slightly hysterical note in your voice but it's too late to take it back now. She sighs, her thin frame droops with the motion and all you want to do is reach out and hold her up, wrap your arms around the thin waist and just hold on forever. But you don't, no you never do.

"Casey's going back to Afghanistan," you nod, relief fills your body but Jane isn't finished, "unless I marry him." Suddenly your world is crashing down, you see pieces of your life flake away and dissolve into a black future. You stop walking. Somehow you're not crying and you slide your hands behind your back so she doesn't see how badly they're shaking. You look into her face. Wide brown eyes are staring hopefully back at you, she massages the palms of her hands, flashes you a nervous smile, and she waits. She waits for you to say something. You don't know if you can.

You can feel the blood draining from your face and your heart is pounding in your ears, but you have to say something. "Did you-", your voice breaks, you try again, "did you say yes?" She drops her eyes from yours, smile fading from her face, with one hand she rakes through her hair, "I haven't said anything yet but," she looks up and laughs, "I mean I love him right? So I _should_ say yes."

_No _you think, _no you shouldn't,_ but her phone rings and then she's turning to leave. With a small wave over her shoulder she steps into the elevator. She flashes you a smile and you have one second, one second to say it. You want to scream it, you're bursting with it, _Jane I love you_, but you don't, you can't, so you say nothing. The elevator doors close. A single tear slides down your face and to two metal doors you whisper, "Jane, I love you."

* * *

You walk through the day with a hole in your chest. Unseeing, unfeeling, numb. She tries to call you, texts you, asking if you want to meet up for coffee, you don't answer. You can't. How can you? You've pushed it down, locked it away, ignored it, for years. Only now you might tell her. Now there's a hole in you and your heart is beating double time and three words could slip out at any second.

Instead you snap, and you pace, and you order, and _you're broken._

* * *

"Maura."

You didn't know she was in here. You turn around and your heart aches. She's hovering by the doorway, eyebrows raised in an unsaid question, hands massaging one another. She's nervous. _I love you. _

"What?"

It comes out more harshly than you intended and she shrinks back, wounded. You feel her pain and confusion like a slap to the face but part of you burns, part of you wonders how she missed her best friend falling in love with her.

"I'm rather busy Jane, I-"

Her eyes flash. She takes a few steps forward. She's mad. You've never seen anything more beautiful in your life.

"Damn it Maura, ever since I told you about Casey you've been straight out ignoring me. I thought you'd be happy for me."

She's stunning, wild curls framing her face. She's mad, a wrinkle in her brow. She deserves to know, three words from your mouth.

"Jane," your voice breaks, you try again, "I'm in love with you."

It's done. Three years, that's 36 months, that's 1095 days, that's 94 608 000 seconds, and you've finally said it. A weight lifts from your shoulders, only to be replaced by a heavier one in your stomach.

_I'm yours, don't break me. I'm fragile, don't break me. I love you, don't break me. _


	2. Chapter 2

Your footsteps echo in the hallway. You always imagined there would be more than one set, that a heavy pair of boots would make their own noises clunking down your hall, but there's only you, _and that's all there ever will be. _

You thought you'd feel better now that you're home, but you don't.

_She's on your couch, legs curled up under the blanket you're sharing. She's watching the game, yelling and throwing popcorn at the tv, you've never been happier in your life. She turns to you, eyes shining, "Did you see that Maur?"_ _ "Uh," you want to tell her that you love her, but you don't. No, you never do._

With a shuddering gasp you wrench your eyes from the couch. It's your house and yet, _she's everywhere. _You pull open the fridge door and there they are, her beers, just sitting there. They're just bottles, but somehow they're bottles of her.

Back pressed against the kitchen bench you sit on the floor, hands shaking, stomach lurching and tears streaming down your face. Your shoulders begin to quake, and now you can't stop. You mouth it over and over again, _I love you, I love you, I love you._

_She's lying on the mattress next to you, dark curls spread out like a fan, and you're mesmerized. You set your wine down and lie next to her, just drinking her in. Her wedding, she's telling you about her wedding. "Am I invited?" A pause. You freeze. You've overstepped. Got too caught up. That was a stupid thing to say. Then... "Maybe." Her mouth quirks up in a smile, you're on a high. I love you._

_"You know when you're so in love you feel like you took some sort of a substance?" You pray that she gets it this time, that she'll finally understand, she'll finally see you're talking about her, but she doesn't. No, she never does._

_"How can you love someone, and not be able to be with them?" She thinks you're talking about Ian. You have never been thinking about Ian less than you are right at this moment. Could you say it? Are you brave enough? Her arms go around you and you melt. You can't risk this. If she doesn't feel the same way, you've lost her forever. So instead you cry. _

_You put the wine on the bench and here it goes, "I like Tommy but I love you." Your heart stops, you're waiting, begging her, pleading with her to answer you. And she does. Your eyes sting with tears but you force it down, she misunderstood. You shouldn't have expected her to do anything else really. You're best friends, that's all, and best friends don't fall in love with each other. _

_"Jane," your voice breaks, you try again, "I'm in love with you." A weight lifts from your shoulders, only to be replaced by a heavier one in your stomach. Fear slides down your back like ice cold water. You open your mouth. Can you take it back? She steps away from you, she shuts her eyes, just for a second, and then she runs. _

Chest heaving, bent double on the ground you open your eyes. Your throat burns, your vision is blurry, your palms hurt. You're surrounded by shards of broken glass, the bitter scent of beer floods your nostrils. _She doesn't love you. _

_You're screaming and you grab a bottle and smash it on the ground. _ You tried to get rid of her.

For three years you lied to yourself, hoping that maybe she felt the same way as you. Now the lie is over. 

* * *

Thunder rumbles overhead and you drag yourself up. You want to stay there, on the floor, surrounded by pieces of her, forever. Instead you pick up the glass. It cuts your fingers but you drop every piece singly into a bag, and with every one you whisper, _I love you._

The wind bites into you like thousands of needles and numbly you realize you forgot your coat. It's almost too dark to see, you stumble more than once, but the bag stays firmly within your grasp. When you reach the garbage disposal you give a small shudder, _I love you, _and then a tiny part of her is gone.

You turn. A giant growl of thunder, and then rain starts to pour. Droplets slide down your face, marring the path of your tears and within seconds you're drenched through. You can't see, you don't need to, but then there's a crack of lightning. White illuminates your small world and there she is.

She's just standing there, at the end of your driveway. Your stomach clenches and your head pounds. You can feel yourself walking, your head is screaming at you to stop. You already know, you don't want to hear her excuses, you don't want to hear her say _I'm sorry, _but you keep walking.

You're standing two meters away from her, at the end of your driveway, in the middle of a thunder storm, and she's wild. Her dark curls hang around her shoulders and water drips down her face. She's kneading her palms and you just stand there and take her in. Finally, you make eye contact. Normally laughing and always warm, her eyes are _tortured._ Pain stares back at you and you can feel it, pulsing around your body, reflected through her gaze. You try not to but, _I love you._

"Maura," she sounds just as broken as you feel, "you said," she stops, she tries again, "you said," _she can't even say it._

So you finish it for her.

"Jane I told you I was in love with you."

You're broken, you're ruined, and as you say those words, she breaks too. Her hands flies up to her mouth, but you're not finished.

"_And then you ran away."_

Her chest heaves, she shakes her head, and then she runs again.

Towards you.

Thunder crashes louder than one thousand cymbals in the sky, the wind howls louder than one thousand horns, and you hear none of it.

Her mouth on yours is hungry and wild and desperate, and _perfect. _Her fingers, twisted in your hair, are the only things holding you up. You're drowning in her and then, she stops.

You shake your head, your tears meld with the rain that's pouring over you both.

"Jane?" It's a whisper, barely there. Your heart is beating double time and you want her to kiss you again but what if that was a test? What if she didn't feel anything?

"Shh," she presses her forehead into yours, and now you can hear everything. The rain as it splashes into puddles in the ground, the threatening rumble of thunder, the shallow rise and fall of her chest. You have no idea how long you stay there. Seconds? Minutes? Hours? You're hyper aware. Every point where her body makes contact with yours feels like it's shining golden light, until finally she speaks, and once again everything fades into the background.

"I'm scared, but"

For a second she slumps and you want to reach out, wrap your arms around her thin waist and just hold on, but before you can she straightens, and looks you square in the eye.

Lightning illuminates the landscape with electric light, thunder claps directly overhead, wind shrieks louder than one thousand mourners, rain falls in sheets and you can only hear her voice.

"I'm in love with you too Maura."

And suddenly your dream becomes reality, your fantasy comes alive, your lie becomes truth.

_I'm yours, forever. I'm fragile, no longer. I love you, I love you too. Don't break me? You fixed me._

* * *

**A/N**: Hey guys! Hope you enjoyed this little one and thanks so much for taking the time to read :)

I hope to put up some multi chapters soonish (next week maybe) so stick around if you're interested!


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